[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
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Son: I want a LEGO Millennium Falcon for Christmas
Me: *checking price online* would you settle for the actual Millennium Falcon?
After years of experiments, I have concluded that lighting a stranger’s cigarette is the only time you can flirt with someone by setting fire to one of their possessions.
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
To the person who got hold of my voodoo doll.
Stop feeding it!
#Fitness #Diet #RubbishJokes
#SaturdayMorning
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
BREAKING: Dressed as Cat, Jared Leto Pushes Fellow Attendees Off Table at Met Gala
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Welcome to your 40’s where the small print appears to have gotten a lot smaller!
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.
*opening a bag of chips*
Librarian: Ma’am, you can’t have food in the library
Me: It’s my emotional support snack
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
when I order a bagel I have them butter the outside too so I can just let it slide down my throat like I’m a pelican
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
I get mortgage-related spam multiple times a day. It reaches me by text, phone, email, postage, and even social media. I’m absolutely sick of them not giving homing pigeons a chance.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
If McDonald’s was smart they’d serve breakfast until 2pm on the weekends.
*approaches a girl, tips hat* M’lady.
*approaches a material girl, tips hat* M’donna.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I brought a load of laundry into the living room to fold, and my husband said, “You do this every day. I’m onto you. You just want to take a break.” So, anyway, in lieu of flowers please make a donation to the charity of your choice.
My niece calls me her ankle. I call her my knees.
We are a joint family.
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.