“President Clinton, can you respond to rumors of renewed infidelity?”

The only woman in my life is my darling *squints at notecard* Hitlery

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*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*

Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]

*catches keys in my mouth*


My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.


girl: wanna have car sex?

me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler


Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately

Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?

Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this


All the adults who used to tell me “When you’re older you’ll understand” – I appreciate your optimism but have some bad news


I never give homeless people drugs because I know they’re just going to trade them for food


The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the


“You know why I pulled you over?”
“Does anyone know why anyone’s pulled over?”
“Wow. You’re free to go.”
“Is anyone free?”
“Oh you’re good.”


She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.