@Elizasoul80

Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.

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@MikeCanRant

Dont trust any kids asking for bread this Halloween. Theyre more than likely just ducks dressed up as kids. I wont fall for that again.

@HomeWithPeanut

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

@zachreinert03

Hey people who say ‘I want my funeral to be like this’: what are you going to do about it if they don’t do it like that?

@Dutch_50

Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.

@calluptome

Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.

@OMGSoOverIt

My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.

@jdforshort

Sneaks into your house and removes all the labels from your canned goods. Shuffles them well.

@kwirkyKerri

*puts on mistletoe hat*
*casually walks by you multiple times*

@_Rewhan

Hey Fun Fact:

Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work

This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:

Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!

@Amusitr0n

[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them