@Owl_Meat

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

- @Owl_Meat

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[arguing with my wife]

WELL AT LEAST I DON’T BRING UP THINGS FROM THE PAST LIKE YOU DID LAST MONTH

@JPLFR80

People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.

@ShutUpThatsWho

HOT GIRL AT WORK: I saw Death Of A Salesman last night & I really loved it

ME: [trying to impress her] I’ve murdered 7 pizza delivery guys

@TheHatStore

king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils

*knights murmuring*

sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty

@ArfMeasures

Me: I’ve brought a urine sample

Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample

Me: There was a lot of traffic

@joshgondelman

Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.

@Reverend_Scott

Cop: Know why I stopped u?

Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?

Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR

For speeding.

@_steamy_mac

Some weird dude on the street just told me that the end is near and now I can’t stop hugging him and saying, “thank you.”

@gruffybeard

Her: Why is every chocolate in the box half eaten?

[Flashback to me biting every piece to find one I like]

Me: We have a rat problem.

@LaqueefaTeen

HER: Boxers or briefs?

ME: Depends

HER: Really? But you look so young.