@Owl_Meat

[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

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@RandomRamblr

I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.

@LOsepyan

Ever wonder how the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow?

@humanaaron

[4:00 AM]

me: *sneaks into the house*

wife: are you drunk? don’t lie to me I can always tell when you’re drunk because you do that stupid accent

me: aye so av had eh night oot wit me lads, wuts it tae ya? a canny believe yood say such a thing ya feckin wee badger

@causticbob

The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.

@Lovestained555

If you put healing crystals in a sock and beat someone with it do they cancel each other out?

@electrolemon

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]