[presidents 2km race – finish line]

OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?

CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11

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if you see suicide squad be sure to stay after the credits. lots of people leave half empty containers of popcorn and you can just have them


[first date]
ME: so which movie do you think will win the oscar
DATE: Get Out
ME: *leaves*


The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.


Girls quote Marilyn Monroe relationship and life advice so much its almost like she wasn’t a three time divorced, drug-addicted alcoholic.


[job interview]
“What’s your biggest weakness?”
I make poor decisions
“Can you explain?”
Sure, but let’s do some shots first


Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.


*repeatedly tries to explain Sisyphus to classmates who have apparently never heard of him*

I wish you guys could get how ironic this is.


[Gets arrested]

Officer: You get one phone call…

*hangs up a few minutes later.

Can you turn the radio up? I requested a song.