presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
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Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
Fell down on the treadmill, got pudding everywhere.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
finally
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Ha
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
My husband is on the roof – only a few inches away from an insurance claim that could completely change my life.
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I鈥檓 starting to doubt she鈥檚 mine.
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke拢ha,
Ke鈧琱a,
Ke楼ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 5,000 signatures.
Going to pronounce fecal like decal
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
True statement馃憤馃槒馃榿
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
You say you鈥檙e a stoner?
Name every stone then
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic鈥攐mg, yay.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah dude, it’s me, your partner
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
HIM: We need to decide who to eat first as we’re stuck on this desert island
ME: Actually it’s a “deserted” island
H: Ok so that was easy
You’re either part of the problem or the entire problem.