Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
You Might Also Like
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
In my spare time I enjoy going to the theatre, listening to music, and cooking Indian food, although everyone watching the play never seems very impressed.
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
Every time I see someone holding hands I get triggered to play red rover with them.
Bear: What’s the matter, pal?
Me: Just down is all
Bear: I bet a good mauling would make you feel better
Me: Dammit, I said no!
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
ed has no gf cuz sheran away
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
Some people were born into their job.
Every squirrel is a flying squirrel if you’ve got a good throwing arm.
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I wear workout clothes to get Burger King breakfast so the drive thru lady thinks I worked out first. Dont be afraid to live your best life.
Primaries are like childbirth. After a great deal pain, yelling, and recrimination, everyone forgets how awful it was until the next time.
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Him: don’t you want your umbrella?
Me: no, my phone says it’s not raining
Him: but *points to window* you can see that it is
Me: I hardly think reality knows better than google Colin