If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
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How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
me: you said you were going to clean your room
5 year old: I said it, but I didn’t promise
me: yes you did. you said, “I promise”
5 year old: ok, I promised, but I didn’t mean it
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
Don’t let people push you around. Unless it’s in a wagon, because that shit is fun!
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
When you die your voice gets added to the Big Bang Theory laugh track.
Last night my wife was watching Marie Kondo, this morning I woke up on the curb.
U U U U U U
An American’s tile rack after a Scrabble game.
Who called it laughing gas and not comical weapon?
Some people mow their yard at different angles and it looks really cool.
When I do it, my yard just looks like it fell asleep at a frat party.
ME: *being attacked by a werewolf*
ALL OF TWITTER: We don’t deserve dogs.
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my car
January is lasting longer than my marriage
They say if you love something you should let it go, but I don’t think this pastrami sandwich will come back to me, so I’m just eating it.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Don’t cry for me, Argentina,
Keep your face dry, Dubai,
No tears, Algiers,
Or from you, Peru,
Now Oman, no cry.
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
I’ve stopped drinking for good. I only drink for evil now.
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
ME: should we give it a dry rub
CORONER: get out
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
At cardio class tonight, a 22yo size 0 told me “you run fast for someone your age” so now I have a body to bury if anyone wants to help me.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣