Press Conference:

How do you respond to accusations that you over sexualize everything?

Me: *slowly takes entire microphone into mouth*

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May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean


Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.


Having pets adds 5 years to your life. Have thousands of pets, never stop owning pets. Become immortal. Laugh as your foes grow old and die


KIDNAPPER: *hits me across the face* nobody’s ever gonna find u

[duolingo owl busts through the door and shoots the kidnapper]

ME: holy shit u saved me

OWL: u’ve got more spanish to learn. u’ll die when i say u can die


Money doesn’t buy happiness? Well it buys a jet ski. Have you ever seen a sad person on a jet ski? It’s impossible to be sad on a jet ski.


40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.


The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.