them: what’d you do on your day off
me: wake up earlier than necessary
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DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
13: I’m hungry… can I have a snack?
Me: what do you want?
13: what do we have?
Me: the same things we always have
13: like what tho
single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
What’s the name of that Tom Cruise movie where he runs around a lot?
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
My landlord is pissed off at me for being naked in the front yard…and now he just asked me to leave his cookout.
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
they should put mayonnaise in a spray bottle and called it sprayonnaise. lol the government allows me to vote
Gurt: Hey guys, what should we call this new dairy snack?
Keith: Yo Gurt, I have an idea.
Gurt: Dude, you’re a genius.
Frankenstein: Master go fishing?
Igor: Yes.
F: Master take worms?
I: Yes.
F: Master put on hook?
I: Yup.
F: Hehe…Master ba-
I: Just don’t.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
6yo: Newton discovered gravy
Me: gravity, he discovered gravity.
6yo: what’s that?
Me: it’s what stops you floating off into space
6yo: *sadly* he should have stuck with the gravy
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Me: it hit me completely out of the grey
Friend: *narrows eyes* you mean blue?
Me [secretly a dog in a trenchcoat]: …yes
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
Worst perfume name ever.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF