[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
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Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My wife is furious that I phoned the police about some kids selling homemade lemonade in the street. Specifically “they’re not hurting anyone”, “it’s not illegal” and “they’re our kids”
How many babies got thrown out with the bathwater before they invented that saying?
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
It’s adorable how I write “beer” on my shopping list like I’d somehow forget.
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
*brings only yellow Starbursts for the office candy jar*
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
model UN: we follow parliamentary procedure, you can’t just call “dibs”
me:
model UN: also you can only be countries that exist
me: the nation of flavortown declares war on the UN
If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Marriage is like when you were a kid on Easter and saw this HUGE chocolate bunny in your basket.
But it was hollow. And white chocolate.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
Say, hypothetically, I was stuck in an air vent over a dressing room at Lane Bryant. What kind of legal issues am I dealing with?
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
I teleported myself today. I pushed a switch button that says “Don’t touch” and the next thing I know I’m lying on this hospital bed.
*elbows date in ribs*
“see that asterisk next to the ‘have it your way’ slogan?”
where it says “within reason?”
“that’s because of me”
Bacon: Toast, great tan!
Eggs: Ham, you smell good!
Ham: Thank you Eggs, you too!
Toast: Bacon, you’re awesome bro!
-complementary breakfast
You’re erasing syllables to make the word shorter. I’m adding syllables to make the word longer. We are not the samerino
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
ALIEN:*points at Chihuahua* whats that?
ME: a dog
ALIEN:*points at Husky* whats that?
ME: dog
ALIEN:*getting angry, points at Pug* whats THA
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.