Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us
ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time
Cowboy: ok cool
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
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[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
Backstreet Boys: everybody, rock your body
Dwayne Johnson: i got this
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.