*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
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Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
“Can I take your order?”
Wait, take it where?
“No, not-”
I haven’t even given you my order yet
“I mean-”
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING MY ORDER
I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
* Kindergarten*
Hi kids! I’m the homeroom mom for your class. [writes name on chalkboard]
[Boy Raises hand]
We can’t read. No one can read
My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
My kid asked where babies come from and I said everywhere, man, they’re worldwide.
DOCTOR: Your leg is broken
ME: So what happens now?
D: We put in a cast & it’ll recover naturally
HORSE: [sticks head round curtain] WHAT?!!
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
How am I supposed to adequately complain about my sunburn with no lobster emoji?
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
secret recipe