@alexlumaga

*Press Conference*

Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole

Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable

Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro

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@ArfMeasures

Cowboy: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us

ME: I’ll be staying indoors almost all the time

Cowboy: ok cool

@daemonic3

[helping kid w/math]

What is 0.1 as a fraction?

“One tenth?”

Good, now what does 10% mean?

“Battery low, plug in your phone?”

Perfect

@hipchkk

A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.

Ex: Please die 😉

@kacisuewho

HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes

ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree

@Darlainky

Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.

@envydatropic

I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience

@SortaBad

Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials

@MyHairyLife

My kid wanted juice but I gave him water which he promptly turned into whine.

@GuyThe_Guy

My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.