That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
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Always proofread your tweets before hitting send. I now that know
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
robber: be cool this is a robbery
me: [unbuttons the top three buttons of my shirt]
Wife : don’t forget to pick up the kids at the school
Me : why
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [wearing a jean jacket] trust me
prosecutor: [walks in wearing two jean jackets]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
My grandfather was so racist he had a white & white television set.
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
astronaut: we made it. we’re finally on mars
mission control: congratulations! now, the main reason for this trip: do you see any signs of-
astronaut: *sighs* no, no signs of candy bars
mission control: shit
My standup has no deeper message and if I find out I’m empowering anyone or anything I’ll quit.
me, preparing for a natural disaster, to my wife: i converted all our money to dimes & nickels
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
“Can I have one?”
“Only if you do the thing.”
“Do I have to?”
“Yes, and you have to do the voice.”
“𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩… Harry Potter must not return to Hogwarts!”
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
m
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[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
I asked my husband to babyproof the cabinets in the kitchen and he did, but now I’m mad that I can’t get into the cabinets in the kitchen.
Every time I see a person handing out flyers it blows my mind that some people actually get paid to distribute garbage to strangers.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”