“It’s possible to touch birds!” I say suddenly. My coworkers stare at me. I wander outside to touch some birds.
[press session regarding increase in shark bites]
Reporter: Are there more attacks in one area?
Scientist: [lips against mic] In the water
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If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
Weight lifting male friend: Man, I had such a clean snatch.
Me: Same! Just waxed!
Me *smirks*: What?
When Siri has her period she uses an iPad.
I hate myself.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Him: You’re pretty obnoxious. You know that?
Me: I’m sorry. All I heard was pretty.