Accidentally pronounced wifi as “wifey” and the hotel concierge said the password’s helping out around the house and being a good listener.
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🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Me: I spy with my little eye someone who is guilty.
Murder suspect: Me?
Me: Ahah, so you confess!
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
[Afterlife]
“I died in WW2 fighting nazis”
“I died in Syria fighting terrorists”
Me: (confidently) you guys heard of the tide pod challenge?
16: ‘What’s an inheritance tax?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to be concerned about.’
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
My son asked my 7yo how she would survive a bear attack and she replied she would try to be his friend, thus making her the most adorable of my children but also the least likely to survive an encounter with an actual bear.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Week days: I can’t wait to spend time with the kids this weekend. A movie night sounds amazing!
Weekend: Stop fighting and pick a movie! Why is there popcorn all over the floor?! WHAT DID I JUST SIT IN?! IS IT MONDAY YET?!
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Nobody:
Me: ahhh my severed head collection is coming along nicely
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’m thinking of buying a handful of of those “World’s Greatest —-“ mugs, then sell them at a yard sale, but ask for references.
“Oh, you’re interested in the World’s Greatest Dad mug? Are any of your children with you? I need to ask a couple questions before we can finalize this.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
90% of owning a dog is telling it to stop barking.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
(inventing satellite dish) i wish this wok talked to outer space instead of cooking lo mein
I stopped drinking water for a few days cause I was starting to think I was addicted. I just wanted to make sure I could pull back if I needed to.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt