@treywafer

Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics

Press “three” for Spanish, and press “fo” for Ebonics

- @treywafer

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@nice_mustard

when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”

@junejuly12

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

@jwoodham

Welcome to college! Here’s a list of our majors. Here’s a list of majors that lead to unemployment. As you can see, both lists are the same.

@Ilovelamp1979

I’m not a violent person. I just really enjoy assisting people in falling down.

@caitieekk

Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing

@jazmasta

I’m not crying. I’m just watering my moustache.

@EamonToPlease

My TWILIGHT ZONE plot idea: The sole survivor of the apocalypse finally has time to listen to podcasts but still doesn’t feel like it.

@NoticablyBacon

My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free

@AtticusFinch79

[marriage counseling]

Ginny- He always hides from our problems.

Therapist- Is this true?

Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.

@ItsAndyRyan

HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA VALUE YOUR FRIENDSHIP TOO MUCH TO RUIN IT WITH SEX. SURE, YOU’RE ATTRACTIVE, THEY JUST DON’T SEE YOU IN THAT WAY