@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

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@junejuly12

Me: Let’s go shopping

Him: Let’s stay home

Me: Let’s talk about our feelings

Him: Let’s go shopping

@squidslippers

i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”

@Sean_Burgundy_

Leave everyone stranded at a bank robbery to play laser tag when you’re the get away driver and suddenly no one is your friend anymore

@CantWaitToNap

When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.

@TheRealNickKay

SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox

@WilliamAder

Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.

@lukekarmali

This is literally the best thing I’ve ever seen happen on Twitter

@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.