@CornOnTheGoblin

[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles

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@MythicPicnic

A Spartan boy was ripped from his mother at seven and subjected to daily beatings

My mother calls at 40+ to make sure that I’m still eating

@Bob_Janke

There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t

@Bluestmoon_

78% of parenting is spent anxiously praying they don’t notice the minuscule lego piece you just vacuumed up.

@joeldanger

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

@TheAlexNevil

According to the latest statistics, most accidents with toasters and bathtubs happen at home.

@stevevsninjas

Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.

@batkaren

Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.

@KalvinMacleod

ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie