[presses every button in elevator] here’s how Michael Bay ruined the ninja turtles
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Lemon is supposedly a good diuretic. I ate a quart of lemon pudding and nothing is happening.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Holy crap! This coin looks old as hell!
*checks the date*
It’s 15 years younger than me.
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Me: I don’t run.
Bees: Let’s see.
I’m not like those other dudes. I’ll wait until you’re dead to steal your heart.
In Australia, pineapple upside down cake is called pineapple cake.
Saw a young couple holding hands today & it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka
Women drinking coffee.
My three favorite things.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
Happy April 31st from me & my Dollar Store calendar
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Turns out pizza has everything I’m looking for in a woman
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
“Uhm, EXCUSE me, my eyes are out HERE.” — Hammerhead sharks
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I can cook, clean, do my own laundry and grogery shop. I think I only need a woman for one thing.
To let me know when I am wrong.
The way my neighbors are making their trick-or-treating kids skip my door you’d think I was handing out ecstasy pills like last year.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Jennifer Aniston: I indulge by eating one chip.
Me: I indulge by eating aisle five at the grocery store.
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
“Password is incorrect”
*resets password*
“New password cannot be the same as the old password”