*presses the wrong button on the elevator and the elevator starts filling with water*
“Not again.”
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Boss: Don’t beat a dead horse
Me: Wait, are you OK with beating a live horse?
B: Please shut up
M: I don’t take orders from horse-beaters
If you don’t have one final pee, “for the road,” are you even over 40?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
OMG a turtle is coming to kill you, Walk for your life.
Why did I laugh so hard at this 😂
Don’t you love it when you’re doing a nude selfie in a leather harness and you accidentally press answer on your mom’s face time?
VAMPIRE: Aaaarrgghh…DAYLIGHT!
ME (A REDHEAD): *turning to dust* Way ahead of you buddy.
My car is saying it needs another oil change even though I literally got one in 2020. This is how the auto industry gets you.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
doctor: you need a knee replacement
me: great i would like slinkies
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Software Development ⛵️
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
Close your eyes. Picture a world without hunger. Open your eyes. I ate your sandwich.
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism
Photographer: Ok. You two hold hands, & u, in the back, hold a gun to that guy’s head. Nice. I’ll add blush in post.
Sorry, baby. My phone number is older than you.