*presses wheelchair accessible button*
*rolls 5 year old in on dolly restrained like Hannibal Lector*
“We’re here for a haircut.”
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Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Social services would take the kids away if they saw my house right now. Does anyone have their phone number?
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
I’m just wondering how long it’s going to take someone to notice I’m eating this pudding cup with a pen.
Now THIS is a Drinking Problem.
You never realize how many people you hate until you try to name a child.
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Come back with a warrant
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
College is like a Dora the Explorer episode; your professor asks a question, stares at you and then answers their own question.
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
Me: Chris Pratt and Anna Faris are separating.
Wife: Who gets the raptors?
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
When I was at the Dollar Store, I saw this cat food called “Alley Cat” and all I could think was with a name like that why not save yourself a buck and just feed your cat out of the trashcan?
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
Me: *being hauled on a stretcher into an ambulance* Shotgun!
EMT: dude your gonna die if you si-
Driver: dammit Dave, he called shotgun
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
Before records were invented, people used to say: u sound like an opera singer that keeps repeating himself