She was rare, like a goth carolling.
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[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Someone accused me of spending too much time on the Internet. I don’t know what to say. I am so full of emoticons right now.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
u guys got any snacks onboard here
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
Every work meeting this week
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
[Driving by a massive pile up]
SON: Look at all the different colours of cars in the crash.
ME: It’s a collidascope.
SON:
WIFE: It’s too early in the day to hate you this much.
Autocorrect changed “Put Bacitracin on it” to “Put bacon on it”.
Fine, we’ll try that.
[Dinner with GF’s parents]
Thank you for having me over, can I use the bathroom?
“MAY I use the bathroom”
*slams fists down*
I ASKED FIRST
the top three reasons people break up:
-cheating
-fights about money
-incompatible peanut butter types
All my friends asking me for a #PS5 😂
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
Where do I sign up to be one of those tiktokers with 2M followers whose whole thing is just standing in front of other people’s content and nodding?
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
Wow, according to the New York Times, just kidding, I have no idea what’s going on.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that