Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
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I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
“Who’s your favorite vampire?”
“The one on Sesame Street.”
“He doesn’t count.”
“I can assure you that he does.”
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Friend: You have guacamole on your face.
Me: *wipes it off with finger, smears it on her cheek*
You have guacamole on your face.
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
[letter to vitamin company]
So your ad said that this supplement “helps with memory loss” but I’m still remembering stuff
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
New exercise regimen: I can only sit down when my toddler does. So far I’ve lost 17,000 pounds.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Try explaining to your kid why you’re taking a bath with a cucumber then come talk to me about your problems.
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW
“I’ll have a caramel macchiato, hold the espresso & milk.”
“Miss, that’s just a cup of caramel sauce.”
“You heard me.”
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.
If this doughnut and chocolate milk are going to take years off my life, could I have them remove 1978-1982?
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
No Auto-correct, I never meant “Relationship Goats”.
AIR STEWARDESS [looks at ticket] just down that way
ME: You mean down the long thin tube with one walkway
A.S: Yes
ME: I’d be lost without u
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
can’t talk my ride’s here
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔