@Ryan_Patricks

Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.

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@Darlainky

Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.

@sad_saurus

Wife: Why are you wearing that?

Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué

Wife: You mean risqué?

Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right

@Stellacopter

Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.

@bazecraze

According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.

@cloudcm

If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.

@Phook75

If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them

@KeetPotato

bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both

@Cheeseboy22

Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.