@Darlainky
Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
@Ryan_Patricks
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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@Darlainky
@sad_saurus
Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
@Stellacopter
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
@bazecraze
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
@cloudcm
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
@Phook75
If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them
@KeetPotato
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
@Cheeseboy22
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
@sarahshopbird
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.