Friend: Get anything for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Chocolate-covered strawberries and wine.
Friend: Did you get him anything?
Me: No, I spent all my money on my strawberries and wine.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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Wife: Why are you wearing that?
Me: I wanted to dress a little bisqué
Wife: You mean risqué?
Me: *wearing shirt soaked in lobster soup* No I’m pretty sure I’m right
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.
If I’m ever kidnapped and forced at gunpoint to recite the ABC’s without singing the song tell my family I loved them
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.