Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
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God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I decided to change things up for my neighbors. Instead of seeing me topless, they caught me bottomless.
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
Me: (seeing 16 walk into house shivering in short sleeve shirt) When you left the house, you were wearing your new hoodie. Where is it?
16: She didn’t bring a jacket. She was cold. She’ll just give it back to me tomorrow. Why are you laughing?
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
Cartoons taught me that if you got a bucket rammed onto your head, when you got it off, your head would be shaped like the bucket. Well after this morning I can tell you, that is a total lie
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
I love the Yakuza games. I wish Japan was real.
Y’all are gonna lose your minds when Donald Trump eats a Snickers and turns into Bernie Sanders.
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
When you get hired your job should have to provide first and last months rent too, just to prove they can
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
I tried on and bought two pairs of jeans today without testing my phone in the back pocket. I don’t even know who I am anymore.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
Me irl
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
Can I have your parents’ phone number? I really need to inquire how you came to be 45 and don’t know that the “$” goes BEFORE the numbers.
me: *hand on his shoulder* you can’t save everybody. just call time of death
doctor: you have a sprained ankle
I bought a bathing suit yesterday and the automated voice said “unexpected item in bagging area”.
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz