[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

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Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year


Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs

Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer


New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years


Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.


THE CHIEF: It was a mission, you weren’t supposed to let it get personal.

ME: [kissing a missile] We’re getting married.


Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit


[looking through my closet]

Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?

Me: 1991


[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back