@BunAndLeggings

[pretend restaurant]

4-year-old: what do you want ?

me: pizza

4: we don’t have pizza

me: what do you have?

4: nothing

me: I’ll have nothing

4: we don’t have that

me: *throws table* this is bullshit!

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@Death_Buddy

*On date*

Her: hey, how are you?

Me: yeah really g..

BRAIN: *interrupting* TELL HER THAT RAP ABOUT ANTS YOU MADE UP ON THE WAY HERE.

@SamSkoronski

PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.

@JediGigi

Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.

@kimtopher22

“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.

@BlindChow

[drunk w/ 2 kittens at a bar]
give me another
“haven’t u had enough?”
i’ll tell u when i’ve had enough!
*bartender hands me another kitten*

@HenpeckedHal

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

@cluedont

If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.

@decentbirthday

Buddha: all life is suffering

Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes

@Angel_150913

Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?

@bonehugsnirony

me: [thinking] I don’t want kids
my mom: [2000 miles away gets a mental notification and texts me] how could you do this to me?