Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
4-year-old: what do you want ?
4: we don’t have pizza
me: what do you have?
me: I’ll have nothing
4: we don’t have that
me: *throws table* this is bullshit!
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Coworker: I don’t even know what’s wrong with me. *sighs
Me: Oo Oooo pick me pick me I know *raises hand with answer
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Dear autocorrect. I will never mean “ I got that big sick energy”
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
THE CHIEF: It was a mission, you weren’t supposed to let it get personal.
ME: [kissing a missile] We’re getting married.
Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit
*looks up at lightbulb
*looks back at phone
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back