“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
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Limp Bizkit: keep rollin rollin rollin rollin
Humpty Dumpty: [falling off wall] I feel so attacked
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
This is the cutest stalk I’ve ever seen. The ear scratching is just the best 😂
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Signed up to be a diplomat. Won’t need a vaccine cause I’ll have that sweet, sweet immunity
Something about watching Catfish makes me wanna catfish someone so bad and I don’t think that’s what they’re going for
Taught my daughter how to use Amazon Lists and now I have 371 items under “you should buy me this”
I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao
me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
a man on a dating app just asked how he could find out more about me. he’s going to lose his mind when he finds out about questions
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Just heard a 15 year old call an autobiography a word selfie
*points finger gun at mouth*
*pulls trigger*
I haven’t been to the gym in months. I wonder if all the pudding cups in my locker have spoiled?
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.