[Pulling brother’s life support plug]
*whispers in ear*
“This is for that time you cheated at Monopoly.”
You Might Also Like
What do you call a potato/corn crime fighting duo?
Starchy and Husk
Him: Didn’t you buy that apple pie yesterday?
Me: Yeah, so?
Him: There’s one small piece left.
Me: And if you touch it, I’ll stab you.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
That’s it.I’m out.
surprise your friends by filling your beehive hairdo with bees!
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
“Your under arrest!”
No, YOU’RE under arrest
*police looks around points to himself & mouths ‘me’*
Yeah you.
*he tosses me cop car keys*
*First day as a spy
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
Me:Oh yes.At Russian Embassy:
“Boris, where did all these damn ants come from?”
I’d wager that @RudyGiuliani will not spend a moment in an actual courtroom in front of a judge. He will go around media outlets like Fox or OAN saying he has the evidence but will never present anything in an actual court of law.
I can’t wait to eat chips. If I had known Lent was so long I would not have given up chips.
– 11, missing the point of Lent
*road trip*
husband, day 1: absolutely no eating in the car
husband, day 4: *handing brisket to the kids in the backseat*
I just spent 15 minutes searching for my phone in my room, using my phone as a flashlight…
I like it when squirrels pop their dumb heads up in the middle of the street like “did I lock the tree?”
“Stop stealing your sister’s imaginary hot chocolate” is not a sentence I ever expected to say, let alone saying it multiple times at increasing volume
[After sitting for a portrait for 18 hours] Where’s the artist?
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
Put my fitted sheet and duvet cover in the washing machine for a death match to see which one swallows the other.