Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
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[Courtroom]
Judge: Have you been up before me?
Convict: I don’t know, Judge. What time were you up this morning?
Imagine you’re about to have surgery and right before the anesthesia kicks in you notice a “University of Phoenix” degree on the wall
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I just did yoga. No wait, yogurt.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need another cup of coffee
And a donut, too.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
I get about your body being a temple but… right now I wanna turn mine into a bouncy castle, it sounds more like fun. I’m all about fun.
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
Me: Oh hey I should watch this movie
Netflix: Actually you watched 27 minutes of it 3 years ago so you’ll probably want to pick up where you left off
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
Me: What’s wrong?
Wifi: You’re obsessed with the internet
Me: Give me one example
Wifi: Look how you’ve spelled wife
Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
WIFE: I can’t believe you ruined my birthday yesterday
ME: What a load of bollocks, Karen. I didn’t even know it was your birthday
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
I hadn’t pledged allegiance to the flag in so long I forgot the words and I may have just drunkenly pledged to one nation, invisible, with librarian judges for all.