I love a relaxing bath at the end of the work day but it makes the other people in the office uncomfortable.
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I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Who called them Underpants ?
And not ‘Man Hole’ Covers?
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
there is no such thing as a “cool” 24 year old. there are 24 year olds who act like weird teenagers and 24 year olds who like, work at the bank. that’s it, there is no in between.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Using soap as a garnish because the store was all out of cilantro.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
Just realized all my tweets are about my genitals . Time to change the subject.
Do you believe in aliens ?
If so , do they have genitals?
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
No one:
Me trying to remember the person’s name I just met as they’re still talking:
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
“So You’ve Been Drinking and You Think You Can Dance?”
That is definitely a reality show I would watch.
Before murdering someone ask yourself: Am I justified? Will I find forgiveness? Did I pay for the shovel in cash?
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
a baby cow is called a calf bc it’s half a cow. half cow. calf. no further questions.
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
Now that I’m vaccinated I’m up for any social activity as long as it starts at six, ends by seven, involves food and doesn’t require real pants.