pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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*always thought ‘copulation’ was the amount of police officers in a given country.
Me: what do you get when you cross a bear with a shark
My Dog: bark
Me: wait henry don’t give it away
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
Our first Skype date was going really well until she figured out I was using her WiFi…from her porch.
It’s not procrastination if I never had any intention of doing it in the first place.
My pantry would give that guy from Sleeping with the Enemy a heart attack.
Work said I was going to do a drug test today. So far I haven’t tested any drugs, but this weird guy asked me to urinate in a cup.
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.
Really successful people don’t sleep much. I don’t know why I don’t sleep much.
I cleaned the outside of our stainless steel refrigerator, and now we can never touch it again.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
The best thing about a rabbit is it doesn’t matter how bad a lay you are, everyone compares good sex to you.
What essential oil do you use to make your teenagers calm down? Is it chloroform?
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
If you can see the bread you are not using butter correctly.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
me: i miss being in a relationship im lo-
*elephant charges and runs me over*
me: *lying on ground* oh right that’s what it feels like, thanks for the reminder mr bubbles
*elephant trumpets*
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?
So sick of all these stupid rules
Sneaking alcohol into work is pretty easy if you put it in your stomach first.
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards