@dlicj: pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
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@danadonly: my friend: so the new person you’re dating is another white guy named matt whose parents pay his rent? me: yeah, but like, there’s something different about this one. narrator: there was in fact not anything different about this one.
@3sunzzz: Sorry I'm late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
@Mom_Overboard: [during sex] Him: punish me, baby me: *tells him everything I had to eat that day* Him: wait, stop me: hang on *hands him the phone* my mom wants to talk to you Him: *dies*