pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere

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me:*pulls chair out for date*

her: such a gentleman

my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!


JACOB MARLEY: 3 ghosts will visit you!
ME: do u count?
JM: what
ME: you’re a ghost. Do u count?
JM: dude this the kinda shit they don’t like


I formerly apologize to my mother for any and everything that follows that she inevitably won’t approve of. #TheFirstLineInMyAutobiography


You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.


if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off


Guy: so what u up to after this?

Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley


Great… I tried to kill a spider with glitter body spray and it didn’t work

Now I have a spider that won’t stop dancing and insists I call her cinnamon


ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?


My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.


I saw a zombie wearing Crocs on The Walking Dead and thought to myself “she totally deserved to die”.