pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
You Might Also Like
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
[Dog Court]
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury: We find the defendant, not a good boy.*dogs family in courtroom begins to cry*
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Word of advice, don’t get a tattoo til you’re old enough. Thought I was gonna be into this stuff forever.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
“It was a different time.”
“It was this morning.”
“THAT’S A DIFFERENT TIME.”
Drive Thru Clerk: Wow, you smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: [hiding fries from the other drive thru] You wouldn’t know, it’s french.
Vegetable soup is simply cooked salad
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
[the first ever boomerang]
HIM: Get rid of it
ME [scared] I can’t
Her: Let’s each pick one person we can sleep with and the other person can’t get mad. Mine is Ryan Gosling. Who’s yours?
Me: The babysitter
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
Becoming a parent changes your whole life.
One change I was not expecting was that whenever I sit down, I release a hormone only my child can detect that causes him to ask me for something.
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
eek. i forgot hvac guy was in the basement and i have been very aggressively yelling at inanimate objects.
anyone who doesn’t have a crush on me is wrong but also anyone who DOES have a crush on me is wrong too. confusing, i know!