@HatfieldAnne

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

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@Reverend_Scott

[Interview]
“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”

@DirtMcTurd

I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.

@UnFitz

We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.

After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.

@WilliamRodgers

My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…

58 seconds…

58 whole seconds…

Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”

…where was that attitude on our wedding night???

@Steelers1972

Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.

@SkunkFarts

There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.

@_sleepysmile

What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?

@HiddleDeeDee

The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.

@CulturedRuffian

Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?

Me: Not really, I’m stuffed

Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check

Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.