“You were arrested for armed robbery?”
I had no choice. It’s silly to try and rob a bank without your arms.
“We’ll be in touch.”
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Don’t have your phone number posted on FB if you don’t want me calling you at 3am drunk asking for the recipe of that cobbler you posted.
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
What’s with this ‘running with scissors’ bullshit? Why would you run with scissors? Are you that excited to cut paper?
The only thing worse than my kids talking Minecraft, is my kids watching videos of people talking Minecraft.
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.