@HatfieldAnne

Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.

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@joeldanger

I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.

@Glennot73

therapist: and what motivation will we use ?

me: hate fueled spite ?

therapist: no

@mom_tho

me: want to read more harry potter?

7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore

me: dumbledore

7: right, dumpledore

me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ

@GrantTanaka

Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]

@maxpalumbo5

When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.

@Rollmaninoz

They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.

@Marcmywords2

Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.

@WheelTod

Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic

@ConanOBrien

Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.

@clindsaysway

When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.