Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
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Saw Top Gun, and I think with the right amount of mustache, I could definitely fly a jet.
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I just ate dinner. At 4pm. I am SO prepared for my 74th birthday
Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
Fish don’t seem that stupid to me. If a burrito dropped out of the sky and hung in mid air I’d prob eat it.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.
[moving her panties to the side]
HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.
*stares into the abyss*
*abyss pretends it’s doing something on its phone*
If it comes down to me and a plate of fried food, there will only be one victor. And that victor will be slightly nauseous and have the meat sweats.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
Tony Hawk, age 6
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Of the 4 people living in this house, I’m the only one who didn’t immediately try to touch the new cactus houseplant.
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
when the waiter comes by to see how the food tastes and I’m not ready
I need a headline like this
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Humidity is like heat if it suspected you were about to break up with it.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
(6yo son sweetly tracing my face with his fingers at bedtime)
6: Just be still, Momma. I’m pretending to shave off your eyebrows.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
My bank balance is a gentle reminder that in a few years my twins will have to battle it out for one college place!
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe