[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
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ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of doing fun stuff on the weekend we can go to a kid’s birthday party where everyone coughs.
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
Had a big fall out with wife and ended up sleeping in my office for a week. Boss saw I was still there when she left each night and there before her each morning and gave me a promotion. Wife and I sorted things out too, best fight ever.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
Damn boy, are you wearing an anti-gravity suit?
‘Cause I’m not the least bit attracted to you.
Scientist: The outside of your phone is the dirtiest thing in the world.
Me: Lol, you haven’t seen the inside.
Two more plagues and Pharaoh lets us all go, right?
Barney: I love you, you love me
Me: *rolling over in bed* look I thought this was a no strings thing
*first date*
Me: They keep saying we’re destroying the ocean, but you know what the ocean is? Just one big toilet. Two parts water, eight parts feces. All that marine life taking ten craps a day then swimming in each other’s shit for a lifetime.
Waiter: Madam, your sea bass.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Best bird cliques…
A “murder” of crows
A “flamboyance” of flamingos
A “fall” of woodcocks…aka dudes who realize they’ve been catfished
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
It’s cute how airlines think I know my flight number
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Women never understand the importance of cords. We NEED to keep all these cords, just in case! What if we run out of cords!
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.