(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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been feeling trapped ever since i investigated that box propped up by a stick.
to those of you shopping this week: please be polite and patient with shop assistants, it’s a stressful and busy time for them too 🙂
to those of you worshiping Satan this week: see you at the gathering in the woods, bring teeth 🙂
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
Midnight snack: battle between how much you crave food versus how much you don’t want to brush your teeth again
Got him!
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
i ordered the mcdonald’s land air and sea burger and my stomach quit in the middle of its shift
The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Them: I wish for world peace
Me: May all the food you order resemble the picture on the menu
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
When my wife says she’s going to throw away a dessert, I turn into Gollum sooooooo fast
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
We’ve replaced the names of the foreign countries & leaders in Trump’s speech with the names of IKEA® furniture. Let’s see if he notices
People wonder why I move to a new place every couple years. The truth is, I’m being chased by a snail with a grenade and a vendetta.