Whenever I’m about to get in a bar fight, I give a karate bow to my opponent in hopes he gets scared and backs out before I piss myself.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
TRUMP: To make America grate again
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Some days you’re the dodgeball, some days you’re the face
DATING IN YOUR 20’S
“It’s not going to work out I don’t like the way he chews”
DATING IN YOUR 30’S
“It wasn’t even a felony and he was never convicted. Also living at home makes sense bc it allows him to be close to his mom & it’s walking distance to the Pizza Hut he works at”
Age 6: Be a pirate
10: Kiss more girls
16: Be 18
21: Be rich by 30
22 – 32: *File corrupted*
33: Improve on napping
Americans pay for gym memberships and for people to mow their lawns.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Bugs have antennas so they can get a few local channels for free
[watching Harry Potter in bed]
Harry: please leave