(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
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grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
If I’m ever forced to go on silent retreat imma wear windbreakers and wet flipflops…If I have to suffer then so do you…Squeak squeak woosh woosh mf’ers
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Apple has solved laptop theft by making them obsolete by the time thieves get out the door.
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
Thoughts and prayers to my daughter who wrote a sentence that didn’t fit on one line.
I really don’t like the person I become when a password expires
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
Can’t. The ex-girlfriend is making me take her to the movies.
Wife: I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME THAT!
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
[calling a plumber to unclog my sink]
mario: yeah.. there’s a princess stuck in your drain
me: what
mario: *shrinking into a little man* i’m going in
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
*throws back out*
Back: Let me back in baby, I can change.
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
I’ve always heard that ignorance is bliss. My question: Exactly, how ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.