*pretending to talk on my phone so I don’t look like a loser standing by myself*

-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*

You Might Also Like


Saying “I’ve gone viral” a month ago

– awesome dude
– that tweet was so funny
– dopamine be hitting you hard

Saying “I’ve gone viral” now

– stay away from me
– no I won’t shake hands
– don’t lick my doorknobs
– don’t high five my grandma


doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease


I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.


I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.


“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,


milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw


[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”


Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.


A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.


Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert