@peeznuts

*pretending to talk on my phone so I don’t look like a loser standing by myself*

-Haha yea dude last night was craz-
*phone starts ringing*

You Might Also Like

@pilau

Saying “I’ve gone viral” a month ago

– awesome dude
– that tweet was so funny
– dopamine be hitting you hard

Saying “I’ve gone viral” now

– stay away from me
– no I won’t shake hands
– don’t lick my doorknobs
– don’t high five my grandma

@mugkip

“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease

@gurl_sour

I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.

@LostFelicia

I may regret eating so many deviled eggs this weekend, but my family will regret it more.

@Genevieve0404

“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”

@bombsydoll

milk duds: when you want some candy but also crave a dislocated jaw

@Rollinintheseat

[High school reunion]

Person: “Are you wearing the same clothes you wore on our last day of school?”

Me: “You told me to never change.”

@Cravin4

Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…

.. Except at my house.

@FattMernandez

A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he’s being vewy vewy quiet.

@ArfMeasures

Me: What’s the worst date you’ve ever been on?

Date: ugh one guy was a total idiot

Me: Did you end it early?

Date: No I wanna finish this dessert