“I’m too important too attend the training on the new system. When I need to get in it you can walk me through it each time”
~Management
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That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
People who live in glass houses probably have a lot of squeegees.
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
A Parenting Mad Lib:
Why is there ____(adjective)____ ____(noun)____ all over the ____(noun)____? If you don’t stop ____(verb ending in “ing”)____ and clean it up by the time I count to ____(number)____, I swear I’m going to ____(empty threat)____!
cover letters are so weird like bro why do I need to write you some fan fiction about working for you
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
for $5 i will write “yikes” under one of your ex’s selfies
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
“Can we op..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can we ha..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”
“Can..”
“NO IT’S FOR CHRISTMAS”Christmas Day
“EAT EVERYTHING. NOW! IT’S GOING TO GO OUT OF DATE!”
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs
Tell me again how your unborn child will not see a screen before she’s 8. I want to write down your exact words.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
[2016, cincinnati zoo. boy falls into the enclosure]
other gorilla: something brought a boy to the yard
harambe [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
Her: Why are you videoing that microwave meal?
Me: The instructions say ‘remove packaging and film’
Me: Wow that is spicy. Wooo! *fanning mouth* What is it called?
Her: Sparkling water.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
Getting a lawn sign so people know what i think today.