[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics

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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic has his fav book made into a movie & the characters are nothing like he imagined them


[being murdered]

Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*

Me: *becomes even more alive*


[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes


I was just giving my son a mini-lecture on the phone & he did the whole “Oh, you’re breaking up, I can’t hear you” thing.

I hope his new foster family is nice.


[playing the board game Guess Who]

Me: Is your person handsome?

5-year-old: No, they look like you.


I’m not against half naked men.
At least not as often as I’d like to be.


“Choose password”
> 123bob

“Password must not contain common names & must be complex with at least 50 characters”
> gameofthrones



The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.


Knock, knock

Who’s there?


Wu who?

I wouldn’t get too excited sir, I’m here to impound your car.


ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*