Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics
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In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.
I’d be considered proper there. Probably.
ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask
CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine
Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?
I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.
Loan officer: What’s your social?
Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.