[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics

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Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”


In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.


ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine


Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?


I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”


Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.


We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever


The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.


Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.