@BoozeWallet

[pretending to talk on phone while mugger approaches] yeah, so then they told me that my Karate is just too deadly for the Olympics

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@KevinGetem

Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”

@Vodkantots

In some cultures, it’s considered polite to scream when someone shows you their baby.

I’d be considered proper there. Probably.

@ShortSleeveSuit

ME: hey buddy you should wear a mask

CLARK KENT: but the glasses have been working fine

@SentenceReduced

Why do we always hurt the ones who eat the tator tots I was saving in the freezer?

@mops16_

I heard a girl at the bar last night drunkenly ask the bartender “what’s the closest drink you guys have to a chicken nugget.”

@robdelaney

Michael Jackson would be 54 today if he hadn’t hired such a gifted nap specialist.

@SortaBad

We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever

@blade_funner

The first stage of a realistic baking show would be each contestant trying to open a jammed utensil drawer.

@Darlainky

Loan officer: What’s your social?

Me: Mostly Twitter, sometimes Facebook when I want to see what my friends and family are fighting about.