PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.
Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.
I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers
I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong
[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash
Obama turns 52 today. Republicans vote to repeal it.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
COP: It’s 4/20
ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!
COP: Then you’re under arrest
ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!
COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?
ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there