Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.
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My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
IT email: please complete this cybersecurity training
me: *report as phishing*
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
“Describe your last relationship.”
Tired: like two ships passing in the night.
Wired: like a container ship stuck in the Suez Canal that won’t move ahead but also won’t let anyone else by.
My younger daughter has been in her bedroom looking at screens the last three years and I have forgotten her first name.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
[forest]
ME: omg there’s a wolf
WIFE: where?
ME: no the regular kind
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
Call me so I have your number.
[5 minutes later] Oh.. I have a missed call?
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
blenders are like “hey use me to make a healthy drink then spend 4 days getting me clean”
And The Bro saith unto them,
Follow me to the club,
and I will make you fishers of women.Bromans 4:19
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
What’s going on under there? Nobody has to know but you. – Poncho salesman
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
I’m drinking espresso until I find how many it takes to vibrate my molecules fast enough that I can pass through walls. So far it’s not seventeen and I’m running out of Band-Aids
Cop: can you describe the man who stole your watch?
Me: Yes, he had exceptional taste
I don’t understand people who punch walls. “I’m so mad, I want to spend all day tomorrow plastering over the hole I’m about to make.”
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
Home #decor warning.