@juicymorsel

Pretending you’re dead to avoid conversation in the hospital is the worst way to learn how a defibrillator works.

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@Brewsker

PRO TIP: EAT AND GET FAT.
If anyone tries to lecture your weight eat them too.

@TheDairylandDon

I don’t believe in Bigfoot; because he never believed in me. I’d scan the crowd at my ballet recitals, and always see that one empty seat.

@ObscureGent

I’m glad that Costco checks receipts when you leave because I don’t want to live in a world where someone gets away with stealing 1500 Ritz crackers

@Pmerrily

I thought kegels were like Jewish bagels…boy was I wrong

@smells_fine

[God creating the raccoon]
God: make it cute with a lil mask
Angel: haha aw okay
God: also make it eat trash

@dinnersruined

I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over

@squirrel74wkgn

[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay

[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?

@Bipartisanism

How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:

Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.

@ArfMeasures

COP: It’s 4/20

ME: Yes, and I’m a dealer!

COP: Then you’re under arrest

ME: I’m a dealer at the casino, lol!

COP: Oh, haha! Is it a good place to work?

ME: No idea, I just sell drugs there