*pretends floor is lava*
*looks around*
*slyly pushes homework onto the floor*
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*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
I tried dusting after five energy drinks now my house is on fire.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
[in crowded elevator]
Me: *unzipping backpack* is anyone allergic to bees?
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
MANAGER: You’re hired! The pay is $200 per hour, plus benefits. The first thing you need to do is make a phone call to–
ME: I quit
We’ve come full circle
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:
1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Husband: Don’t the kids have swimming tonight at 6?
Me: It’s at 7.
H: Oh, I was close.
Me: Yeah, the season ended 3 weeks ago.
Thinking about Jeff
Sorry I yelled “chug it” to your baby, as you were breastfeeding.
I’m pretty anal when it comes to organizing my house.
Like how I slid in “anal”?
Like how I said “slid in anal”?
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Per Wikipedia, there are two kinds of scorpions. One can sting and kill you like a spider, the other can sing and rock you like a hurricane
I love watching a bird of prey in flight, soaring through the–nevermind its a trash bag everything sucks
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.