@CornOnTheGoblin

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles

- @CornOnTheGoblin

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@Sal0630

My girl must be planning a big April fools joke or something. She’s been agreeing w/ me all morning. Either that or she got mad cow disease.

@just1fool

If you ask me to go get “Eyetalian” food with you, our friendship is probably over.

@Mikestanley1

[pulls up after first date]

Me: well, this is my place

Her: a bouncy house?

Me: you expected a bouncy castle? IM SORRY “YOUR MAJESTY.”

@Marcmywords2

You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.

@imchriskelly

“What charities do you donate to?”

“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”