[pretends my phone rings while on date] i gotta take this. hello? oh hi [watches date for reaction]… the teenage mutant ninja turtles
You Might Also Like
Yesterday our neighborhood hairdresser was arrested for selling drugs. I was her customer for 10 years. I had no idea she was a hairdresser.
Body: time to fall asleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Smile they said.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
(1st day in heaven)
Angel: STOP ASKING EVERYBODY WHAT THEY DIED OF
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
“Mrs. Doubtfire” is my favorite movie about a messy custody battle that gives way to horribly illegal and creepy transgendered stalking.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
Went to a Trump rally in New Hampshire this week. Hard to describe the vibe, but “what if the Nazis didn’t care about fitness?” comes close.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
ME [as a kid]: someday, I can go buy beer legally
ME [now]: i just wanna buy marshmallows
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
Fried chicken is unhealthy, especially for the chicken.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
I don’t understand people with bare desks. My desk looks like a barfight started next door, crashed through my office, and kept on moving.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.