@Marlebean
Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?Xanax.
@matt___nelson
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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@Marlebean
@mrjohndarby
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
@Barknado69
Friend: just make small talk
*later, on date*
Me: so…grains of sand
Her: uh yea-
Me: dwarves
Her: are u okay-
Me: bottle caps
@EJGomez
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
@RykWeston
So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.
@theroneman
[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
Legos
@ShootyDoody
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
@NicCageMatch
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
@delusions_of
The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.