What are you eating?
*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Friend: just make small talk
*later, on date*
Me: so…grains of sand
Her: uh yea-
Her: are u okay-
Me: bottle caps
judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands
So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.
[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.
The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.