*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*
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My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
If you drop the entire pan of pasta on the floor at dinner time don’t panic just grate some cheese on top, give each of the kids a fork and call it Floor Pasta Thursday
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
I worry about people who write “taken” in their bios.
Where did they go?
Who took them?
Why aren’t we helping to find them?
If you can’t spell, we can’t hangman.
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
Me: it’s robocop
Wife: it’s not robocop it’s dangerous*a roomba with a gun taped to it is shooting at our cat*
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
ME: *coughs up a hairball* sorry about that
BARBER: wow how much did you eat
How did the small bear lookalike creature got home when it’s scooter broke down?
Ewok’d the rest of the way.
#BearDay #RubbishJokes
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
snakes on a plane sequels:
– snakes on a plane yes, again somehow
– penguins on a pirate ship
– dogs on parole
– horses in a bad mood
Why does ma Nana’s dog look like he’s trying tae see what he wants tae order from the chippy
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
I want to give away free lab coats on the streets and turn our city’s homeless problem into its crazy doctor problem
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Obama: The Galaxy Note 7 wasn’t recalled because it was too secure.
Biden: Just let him enjoy my gift, Barack.
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Me: dance like no one’s watching!
Them: but not naked in the freezer aisle with a frozen turkey to ‘do they know it’s Christmas’!
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
Yelling “spider” during sex does not make him pull out. I know this now.
“When in doubt, drag it out”
– advice I give to people dealing with difficult decisions or dead bodies
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.