@matt___nelson

*pretends to get an urgent text so I can turn around after I notice I’m walking in the wrong direction*

You Might Also Like

@Marlebean

Mom
Mom
Mommy
Mom
Ma
MOM
MOMMY
MOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMYMOMMY MOMMMMMMMMMMY
What are you eating?

Xanax.

@Barknado69

Friend: just make small talk

*later, on date*

Me: so…grains of sand

Her: uh yea-

Me: dwarves

Her: are u okay-

Me: bottle caps

@EJGomez

judge: any last comments?
me: i request to die by electric chair
judge: ur here for a speeding ticket
me: my request still stands

@RykWeston

So, funny story. That Thundercat I shot on my front porch was some dumbass kid in a costume. Regardless, he’s going up on the wall.

@theroneman

[mom sneaks up & scares son; ruins coloring]
Narrator: Does this happen to u? Then u need…
[cut to mom jumping on 1 foot & yelling]
Legos

@ShootyDoody

Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.

Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!

@NicCageMatch

The rats outside my apartment building are getting very bold. One of them just asked me for my number.

@delusions_of

The guy at the urinal next to me doesn’t appreciate my theories on “Game of Thrones”.