Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to use the Ouija board to pester my dead husbands.

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

You look like you would fail a DNA test

I put on my husband’s deodorant and now I’m angry at the way I load the dishwasher.

Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary

Employee: sir, this is a haunted house

Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary

Mitt accuses Obama of being detached and out of touch. Then flies to the Caymans for a quick cuddle with his money

parents: you are what you eat
kids:

Them: What year is your car?

Me: It’s brown.

So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?

I tell ya, government spending is out of control.

Son’s journal entry
💯 sweet 💯 inaccurate on all counts

I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

If you feel like you’re about to punch someone, take a deep breath. Then exhale as you punch to get more power.

Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?

5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand

Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.

If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss

Me: it’s not illegal

Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.

Me: but it’s not illegal

Cop: no, no it’s not

[coworkers chatting about me, to me]

cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰

I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?

What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.

I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead

When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.

WIFE: So, is Elon Musk an alien from another galaxy? ME: Nah, an alien would have a name made of random human sounds. Wait

Boss: Why weren’t you at work last week?
Me: Why are you living in the past?

When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.

Now that I’ve raised teenagers it’s hard to look at babies the same way. They’re cute in the sense that a baby lion is cute, because I know what’s coming.

Hiding an engagement ring in a hot dog is harder than you think

My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.

Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.

Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.

Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.

Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.

Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?