@hippieswordfish

*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it*
haha idiot
*checks email*
holy shit i won a million dollars??

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In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s

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Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.

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Death: your time has come.

Me: no! not now!

Death: yes now.

Me: but… I have to poop?

Death: ……damn it. Go on then.

Me: wow that actually worked.

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@Cheeseboy22

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@dafloydsta

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ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?

@daemonic3

dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions

me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs

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@Ixwie

Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point