My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
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The day your child learns the word literally and starts using it in literally every sentence is the day you literally wish you’d never let them learn to speak.
Overheard in 2nd grade class today:
“Do your work! Santa’s watching right now.”
“Yeah, my mom told me that ship has sailed for me long ago.”
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
[after coronavirus]
Boss: welcome back to work everyone, great to have you all in the office again but I think some of you may have picked up some bad habits while working from home
Me: *in sweats, flip flops, and eating cereal out of a dog bowl* Like what?
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
Someone once decided that if you wanted a quick wedding, it should be officiated by an Elvis impersonator
THAT is an influencer
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
[at pet store]
“This tortoise’s shell keeps going soft. Am I doing something wrong?”
“No, it happens. It’s just a reptile dysfunction.”
Hell yeah 👍
Occasionally I just fall behind on something people are talking about and make a note to catch up when I have time. I’m off work this week and now understand that NYT Connections is not a dating app.
Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
birds: it’s so peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
My friend (an X-ray tech) started dating a new guy and frankly I don’t know what she sees in him
I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Hub: What’s this?
Me: A divorce jar. Every time we fight you put a dollar in & I’m a little closer to freedom.
Hub: *puts $100 in*
Me:…
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower.
But I’ll be telling everyone it’s from having sex while skydiving.
I can’t be the only one 😂
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
I was thinking about homeschooling my son next year but he just went into great detail about how mosquitoes use our blood to make honey so I should probably let someone else help out
Don’t be jealous but my kids managed to have 14 different fights in the 5 minute drive home from school.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.