Looking to marry a pharmacist. Looks and personality optional. Just don’t lose your job.
*pretends to throw a ball and my dog chases after it*
holy shit i won a million dollars??
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In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Best part of singing while you drive is that you have to keep your eyes open, even when you hit the high notes, which creates one of the most terrifying faces a human can make.
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
My wife hates snakes. But if they sold snakes at Target, we’d probably have a few snakes.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
dentist: today we’re going to do dental impressions
me: ok, tOdAY wE’Re GoiNg tO Do DEnTaL IMprEsSioNs
dentist: haha, i mean of your teeth
dentist: [crying to hygienist] do i really sound like that
Ever show ur mum a tweet that u find funny and instead of laughing she just asks ‘who’s that?’ Like I don’t know but that’s not the point