Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
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How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
My friend has canceled our lunch plans three days in a row. I’m starting to think she really doesn’t like lunch.
Anyone else notice your clothes only get caught on door handles when you are already angry or annoyed???
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
I’m sure I would have won that werewolf impersonation contest, if only the judges had survived.
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Just in case you’re thinking about having kids, I just broke up an argument about “excessive angry blinking” at each other.
Oh, your boyfriend’s learning spanish in isolation? That’s cute.
I’ve taught myself to throw a garden rake with astounding accuracy. But you made your choice.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
“Your colon will thank you”
Me: I don’t like it when my colon talks to me
I asked my dad what his favorite joke was.
He said, “I can’t pick a favorite. I love you and your sister equally!”
Found $10 in a pants pocket. It was awkward though because someone was still wearing it.
psychic: [sees guy in crowd w/ a pony tail] Sir did u know a Chad?
“yes”
From karate?
“YES”
Chad wants u to know he’s ok
*guy starts crying*
Listening to my husband’s gorilla snoring and contemplating if I could record it and sell to the FBI as an alternative to waterboarding.