@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

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@CruisinSoozan

Boss: You should have been here at 7.
Me: Ohhhhhhh! What happened at 7?

@Thynebear

[first date at a chinese restaurant]
“So are you more of a dog or a cat person?”
*reading menu* I was thinking orange chicken but you do you

@david8hughes

“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”

@ReeseButCallMeV

My niece said I look like a mom. So now we’re playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.

@LaLa_Lyds

My husband just walked in, told the dog how cute he is, and how much he loves him. Held his face in his hands, stared into his eyes, and gave him forehead kisses. Then left the room.
I’m sitting right next to the dog.

@inanimatecorpse

I’ll write a song about you! What’s your name?

Horse: Agamemnon

Agana.. Anga… ang..

🎵I went through the desert on a horse with no name

@truegritrumble

Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”

@Lisa_Laughs_

I’m not sure, but if I died in your arms tonight, that makes you a suspect. At the very least.

@TheMichaelRock

Now that oil is so cheap, we should start drilling for black printer ink.