Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
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idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
Humor: the only thing I like dry.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
At an Italian restaurant for dinner with my 5 yo. She got visibly annoyed that the parmesan cheese wasn’t coming out of the shaker fast enough, unscrewed the cap and dumped a mound on her plate. And just like that she already embodies the spirit of women getting sh*t done.
Marriage: When dating goes too far.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
If we go into lockdown again, can we just buy the sourdough this time?
Me: I need one of those thingamajigs.
Receptionist: What?
Me: You know a doohickey.
Receptionist: This is a—
Me: *snaps fingers* Ah! a triple bypass heart surgery.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
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My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
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My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
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My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
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My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because free will is an illusion and both of us followed paths that lead us to this very moment
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: The precise amount I was predestined to
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
Day 5 of self quarantine:
My all hamster version of The Sound of Music has hit a snag because Maria ate three of the Von Trapp children
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
People who ignore me just haven’t learned to make the best of a bad situation.
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
I have very conflicting feelings about getting murdered because on one hand I’d be dead but on the other hand I’d be making sure female podcasters had content and I love women supporting women
victim: *running away, singing friends theme song*
murderous villain [drops knife while clapping]: damn it, not again
No one has more false hope than a Mom that brings three books on her beach vacation.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Ma’am you can’t take that on the plane
ME: This is my therapy ham
Hey Chandler, wanna hang out with me, Phoebe and Monica later? We’re going to the park to open and close umbrellas in a fountain.
People should be teaching kids to spell by changing the wifi password every week to something increasingly complicated
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?