@jimmytorosian

Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.

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@LostFelicia

My dad was always captain of the ship when driving. He couldn’t be bothered by nonsense like speed limits and not trying to outrun law enforcement.

@Darlainky

My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.

@tea_n_cake89

Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?

Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?

@BobTheSuit

Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?

Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL

@FussySaffa

Adorable idea. Colleagues have been writing names on their food in the office fridge. I am currently eating a yoghurt called Debbie

@fkabudu

Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄

@erinpaigerod

them: are you with someone or are you alone?

me: *winks* who’s asking?

them: ma’am, this is a vaccination clinic.

@TweetPotato314

Interviewer: your resume says you’re an excellent waiter

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer:

Me:

Interviewer: holy shit you’re hired