Pretty busy at the gym this morning. I’m 6th in line for a selfie.
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Damn my forehead is big!
My Mom used to call it a fivehead.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.
My 9YO told me she didn’t think I was allowed to watch an R-rated movie because you have to be “at least 70” to watch that and I’m just like hell yeah she thinks I’m under 70.
[my sister, discussing her two-year-olds]: yeah they haven’t yet realized that if they don’t eat breakfast, they’ll be in a horrible mood later
[me, just realizing my bad mood was caused by skipping breakfast]: yeah….idiot babies
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
My wife’s upset at me I’m going to cheer her up and ask 9YO to play hot cross buns on the recorder
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
nobody:
4yo: 1+8 equals curtains and zero plus 4 is ok.
“One for me, and one for the person I love most,” I say, grabbing myself two beers from the fridge.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Scientology, because even Jehovah Witnesses need something to laugh at after a hard day of knocking on doors.
My kids came over for their weekly visit and I said to them: “Life is short so never spend time doing anything you don’t want to do.” They said: “Cool! Bye.”
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
this christmas when my grandma asks when i’m having kids i’m gonna look her dead in the eyes and say “i have decided to end our blood line once and for all” and just see what happens
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
Plumber: I think I found the problem
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
British people react to the @BBC posting baseball content on twitter… 😭
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.