Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
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welcome mats are just gateway rugs
If I was Taylor Swift I would only date men whose job has a lot of terms that are easy to rhyme with.
How are you gonna be in the throes of heartbreak and have to write a song rhyming with “line of scrimmage”?
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Spiders: Nature’s reminder that you are, in fact, a little girl.
“You’re not like the other girls.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty much how this works. We’re literally all different ones.”
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Writer: Got this great idea for a movie… “102 Dalmations.”
Walt Disney: That’s way too many dalmations.
Judas has been acting weird the last few days.
My ultimate goal in life is to open a milkshake shop & call it “The Yard”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
reminder
Why are mobs always “angry mobs”?
Where are all the relaxed mobs and contented mobs and mildly pleasant mobs?
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
the most semi-awesome vegetable is the rad-ish
[first date]
HER: I’m a really big cat person
ME: *leans in really close* You don’t look anything like a cat
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
[yoga]
INSTRUCTOR: pigeon pose, ladies!
ME: *already tugging the sandwich out of her purse*
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell