pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
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Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.
SHUT UP. BEES CAN’T SPELL.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
BREAKING NEWS: Due to the horrible conditions at Sochi, the Olympics have been moved to a much safer place.. Chernobyl.
God: you’ll protect your kids by carrying them 3,000 miles to keep them warm
Penguin: got it
God: you get pouches to keep ‘em safe & so they never get lost
Kangaroo: Love it
God: when they get too big just throw them out & hope for the best
Bird: wait, what?
Plot twist, I pay you to see my premium creative content?
[looking through my closet]
Girlfriend: Omg, where did you get all of this amazing vintage clothing?
Me: 1991
I finished 3 books today. Believe me, that’s a lot of coloring…
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
Can’t believe people still say “pot” it’s not the 70s anymore we call it “saucepan” now
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
ME: scalpel
NURSE: scalpel
M: sclissors
N: scissors
M: neeble
N: are u sure u should operate on ur own brain
M: *nods head diagonally* toast
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
the uber app should have what songs the driver’s playing
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
Tremendous stuff
[taking girlfriend out]
her dad: have her back at a reasonable time
me: don’t worry sir *clicks seatbelt* i have her back all the time
her dad: propose
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
*Me at a fitness consult
Trainer: you need to cut way back on carbs
Me: what am I supposed to melt my cheese on?
Trainer:
Me : where are you going?
If you tweet about orthopedic shoes enough, you don’t even need to write “No DMs” in your bio.