@tigersgoroooar

pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.

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@ClichedOut

1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows

@hippieswordfish

COP: put ur hands in the air
ME: ok
C: now flip them over
M: k?
C: now cross them
M: what
C: put them behind ur head
M: why-
C: hey macarena

@Elizasoul80

“You had a life. It was this long. Here’s a rock.” – tombstones

@JennyJohnsonHi5

I’m 99% sure the plane Harrison Ford was in is from the Amelia Earhart exhibit at the Smithsonian.

@ProdigyNelson

[bedroom]
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop

@Qrabion

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

@Darlainky

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

@HomeWithPeanut

Inventor of beer: This will change the world.

Inventor of beer, after having kids: [invents vodka]