Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.

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Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.


Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.


[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.


Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win


*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*


“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.


Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².


[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in


Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.