@robdelaney

Pretty cool that the letters “B.J.” stand for the two greatest things in the world: beef jerky & Billy Joel.

You Might Also Like

@WilliamAder

Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.

@jwoodham

Not all white people die in hot air balloon accidents, but only white people die in hot air balloon accidents.

@JohnLyonTweets

[on date]

Me, thinking: Compliment her, but don’t be weird.

Me, out loud: You have healthy-looking gums.

@crocodilethumbs

Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse

Me: how so?

Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt

Me: ok you win

@fanofhell

*holds “bunny ears” over someone’s head for five hours as they have their portrait painted*

@brittwastaken

“Why don’t you love me anymore?” I sob as I gather my belongings. “Is it because of the kleptomania?” I cry as I put your cat in my purse.

@Shot_Of_Cabo

Two guys in CA walked off cliff playing Pokémon.

Natural selection accelerated at 9.8 m/sec².

@ChicksRule

[3am – a knock on the door]

me: jfc do u know what time it is?

salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time

me: *considers intensely* come in

@FellowIdle

Manager just called me ‘part of the problem’, and I feel so offended.

Mostly, I’m the whole problem.