Pretty cool that there’s no law saying you can’t name your kid Squidward if you want.

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a car just rolled by blasting the “Duck Tales” theme song so now I’m chasing after it and trying to catch up with my new best friend


Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.


There are two kinds of people here

1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.

2. Liars


I don’t tweet about my boss because I don’t wanna be a suspect when he disappears.


Saw a guy smoking while pumping gas & at first glance thought ‘wow that’s not safe’ & at second glance thought ‘wow that guy’s on fire’


In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.


The main problem with gay marriage is when two men hold the knife to cut the cake they will be too strong and cut through the plate & table.


I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.