Me: *being patted down* I can explain
Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening
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JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
CEOs: we are closed, nobody wants to work anymore
also CEOs:
Five Little Monkeys jumping on the bed
One fell off and bumped his head
Mama sipped wine and said, “told ya.”
Oddly, Tripoli doesn’t have a single E.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
Just parrot things
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
Hear me out. A waiting room where the doctors wait.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Cop: License and registration please.
Me: Give me a second, I’m drunk.
Cop: Sir, have you been drinking?
Me: No.
Getting invited to an ice cream social is conflicting because there’s the ice cream, but also the social
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
(getting into a hot tub full of people) i guess we’re making some people soup huh gang
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down