Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
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Listen, I’m all about neighborliness, but if you ring my bell one more time at 7am just to inform me you received my newspaper
I. Will. Boil. Your. Rabbit.
ME What’s a penguins favourite relative? Aunt Arctica!
PENGUIN . .
ME [makes flies over head motion]
PENGUIN I don’t know what that means
My bag of chocolate-covered espresso beans is empty.
In unrelated news, my daughter is swinging Tarzan-style from the ceiling lamp.
wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
*Listens to We Didn’t Start the Fire by Billy Joel*
*Adds history major to resumé*
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
There’s a bag of Hersey’s chocolate in the kitchen.
I’ve been smothering myself with kisses.
Never be a pizza!
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
“GRAAAAAAIIIINNNNS” — Vegetarian Zombie
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
the saddest jazz hands ever
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
[after having one kid then having twins]
wife: we should have sexfibonacci: absolutely not
jason: may I tell u something?
me: anything baby.
jason: for the last year whenever u get drunk u start to make Pig Noises, u do it with a challenging look in ur eye, if I ask u about the Pig Noises u get offended and run away to the next room where u continue to oink softly
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
reporter: an asteroid is predicted to hit earth this week
me: *vacuums a little faster*
[bank robbery]
Me: this is a hold up
[later at the police station]
Cop: wait, so you weren’t one of the robbers?
Me: [just likes to say what things are] this is a police station
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Me growing up, watching Trek: Transporters are so scary. They break you down at a molecular level? Creating a whole clone? No thank you
Me now: Listen, I need to skip commuting in Boston. I am begging you to disintegrate me
[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*