@prodigalsam

Pretty cool to think every time the Verizon guy said “Can you hear me now?” the NSA was quietly answering “Yes we can.”

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@VitaeArcanum

I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old

*winks*

@piper_itup

i hate when i’m 20 minutes into my run on the treadmill and i look down and the timer says 43 seconds

@goldengateblond

Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”

@ladybroseph

“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.

@UncleDuke1969

Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.

Wife: How’s he doing?

Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.

@UhhhJasonWebb

Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.

@Gupton68

The best way to avoid being left with the bill when dining out with friends is by not having any friends.

Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.

@ElizaBayne

Find out if the NSA is listening to your call by singing SWEET CAROLINE and if more than one voice responds with bum bum bum THEN YOU KNOW

@FatherWithTwins

8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house

Me: Ok, have fun!

8yo: *Leaves*

Me: *Turns router back on*