I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
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My ex mother in law once commented that she wished her son had stayed married to his first wife.
Me too, I replied.
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
Just fully made my bed as if I’m not gonna crawl back inside the first chance I get.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
I was trying to throw out one of the 3 year old’s toys because he hadn’t touched it in a year.
Faced with the loss he suddenly decided his neglected toy was everything and he couldn’t live without it and totally lost his mind and…
ahh beans, he’s inherited my break up angst.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
The good news: She actually gave me her number
The bad news: She asked for it back after I fell and tripped into a plant walking away
If ever a burglar entered my house, I take comfort in knowing they’d never get past the 17 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
if the benadryl doesn’t work use the back of a shovel
Apple announces iPhone bug that allows it to be hacked with a single click, in a ‘more intuitive and natural way than an Android bug’.
Alexa tell Roomba to get the spider.
Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
Me: Look, even if you could breathe underwater, no one wants to be Aquaman.
4yo: Who’s Aquaman?
Me: EXACTLY!
June 1885 – The Statue Of Liberty arrives in the U.S. in 350 pieces with no instructions.
Future IKEA magnate: “That gives me an idea.”
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Proctology is located in A55
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months