When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”
Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats
Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.
In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??
ME: yeah, totally
[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]
ME: OMG ELLEN YOU DIDN’T
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs
But it’s all gone to shit now
CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: …
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out