Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
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My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
No coupon is really “expired” if you cry hard enough.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN
ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues
DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun
I’m going to start eating healthy again so I need to eat this half of a leftover cake to get it out of the house.
To be honest, the only reason I’m interested in space is to experience the sublime satisfaction of throwing an enemy out of an airlock.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Matthew 28, John 20. Luke 24, Mark 21. That means Matthew and Luke will meet in the finals.
at the mcdonald’s self order kiosk selecting my order from behind my back like a guitar solo everyone is cheering someone just threw their bra
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
Discuss
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.