Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.

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When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.


Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?


Advertised as a “Cougar Cruise”

Reality – Weight loss cruise where live cougars are released & you spend your vacation fleeing large cats


Turns out, if I dress like a French maid, my husband doesn’t make me clean.


In Florida we have the good sense to have our catastrophic weather events in the summer, when it’s nice out.


COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on


ELLEN: so I hear you’re a big fan of sleeping ??

ME: yeah, totally

[producer walks out with a rag soaked in chloroform]



me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?

cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail


I thought I was being clever stockpiling prunes and figs

But it’s all gone to shit now


CAT VAMPIRE: let me in!
ME: ok
CAT VAMPIRE: you fool! now I will suck your bl-
ME: *closes door*
CAT VAMPIRE: let me out